dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
