i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
