I wish I could teleport
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
