I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
