Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
