I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
