Only a mothe r could love this liver
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
