Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
