whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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