Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
