She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Houston, we have a squirter
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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