sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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