Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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