i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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