Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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