i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
