I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
