...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
