his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
