i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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