Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
