I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
