everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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