What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize