I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize