I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
whose parrot is this?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
