I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
