It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
