soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
