the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
