Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
