I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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