I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
