Define "chronic" masturbator.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I think my vagina is haunted
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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