if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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