every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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