My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
