Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
