They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
