just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
