I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
