Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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