I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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