I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I deserve this hangover.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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