You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
