My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
