So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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