When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
