apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
