Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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