yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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