My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
