Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
