upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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