The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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