This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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