Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
