im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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