who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
