her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
