and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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