Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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