Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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